Skinny Love- Bon Iver
ive just been feeling so inept. like i bring nothing to the table. i dont have anythign to bring. i quit my job (not that i regret that even for a milisecond). i dont even think i want to do that at all ever again. i want everyone to think i still do because i think if i dont it will mean i was wrong about something and i hate being wrong. but now i just feel like a big fat blah. the thing is though, i shouldnt. i just started this website for my comics, and while i wish i had more exposure and traffic, for something that i just started i get about 100 veiws a day and that really makes me happy. also i have and amazing boyfriend. soon i'll be moving in with my aunt, going to a city i love to be closer to people who matter to me. i just dont want to disappoint my dad. everyday its like i'm just waiting for that same pat on the head i quested for when i was younger. parents have no idea how badly their children want to make them happy. i want to make him happy more than i want me to be happy. but i mean i feel the same way about my boyfriend, which is a good thing or i would have done a lot of hurtful selfish things to myself if i didnt always keep his feelings in mind. he has saved me in so many ways that i cant begin to define or express them. part of me doesnt want to because i dont want anyone to ever have that kind of power over me that i would do anything for them, but he does and i would, just like i would for my father. and so many changes are happening right now for me and i dont know how to deal with them. i'm writing this short thing about me chopping down sams tree its a little intense but at the same time not intense enough. no one knows how much she still haunts me. i dont tell anyone so they dont know but sometimes i just want to erase her, its terrible, i know, but if you knew how this felt you would understand. with mom its different it hurts in a way that is sad and sweet and starts like hello and ends like goodbye like and old song you knew when you were young that makes you sigh in a dreamy but reverent way. with sam its all still fire and ice and explosions and darkness, scratching, biting, and so much blood, its all nightmares, all just a nightmare. i dont like talking to people about it. i'll probably delete this if i dont forget about it first.
